DEARMAN stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate.
Describe
The first component of the DEARMAN skill is to describe the situation or problem clearly and objectively. Avoid judgment or interpretation and simply focus on the facts of the situation or problem.
“You told me that we were leaving at noon, and it’s already half hour past.”
Express
Express your feelings and needs clearly and directly. Use “I” statements to communicate how you feel and what you need in the situation.
“Whenever this happens, it makes me feel like you don’t respect my time.”
Assert
Assert your position and request firmly. Be specific about what you want or need and ask for it directly.
“I would like for you to communicate with me when you need more time.”
Reinforce
Use positive reinforcement to reinforce your request. This means acknowledging and validating the other person’s perspective and expressing appreciation for their efforts.
“It would make me feel less stressed about time if you can do that for me.”
Mindful
Be a broken record and focus only on the request you are making. Do not respond to distractions, threats, or attempts to divert you.
“I would appreciate a heads up.”
Appear confident
Be assertive in your communication. Maintain eye contact, speak clearly, and avoid using phrases like “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”.
Negotiate
Find a compromise or solution that works for both parties. This means being open to feedback and suggestions and working together to find a mutually beneficial solution. Be willing to reduce your request but focus on what will work.
“How about sending me a text when you are on the way?”
The DEARMAN skill can be a powerful tool for improving communication in a relationship. By addressing the situation objectively and standing your ground, you are able to clarify your boundaries and needs with the other person.